The Voices In Our Head

 

Photo by Adelade Mbuyazi on Unsplash

As I grow older in age and in my career, I realize that quite a number of us have our identity tied to sickness, trauma, pain, and we are comfortable in it because healing will require one to move from the known to the unknown. It is hard to move from the familiar, which feels safe, to the unknown, which is unpredictable. The fear of the unknown makes it difficult to heal because healing requires facing uncharted emotional territory, and this is normal. Sometimes, societal expectations can hinder one from healing because we are expected to behave in specific ways.

I see adults—handsome and beautiful, elegantly dressed, well-poised—but still afraid and imprisoned by the voices in their heads. There is nothing as painful as an adult still hearing the voices of their parents and caregivers that they heard as a child.

The,

"You are not enough."

"You need to do more for me to love you."

And worse yet, it is the silent words and actions they were supposed to say but never did, like:

"You are an amazing child, and I love you."

"Hey, it is okay to cry, to fail, and you've got this."

Instead, they built a wall, and you learned that your feelings were invalid. That is why the slightest correction makes you shut down because the voice in your head is the parent who scolded you when you were 10 years old and was emotionally unavailable. For you, love does not come softly. You are always ready to walk away. Vulnerability, to you, is scary and a daunting task.

You have learned to overcompensate because to get your mother's attention, you had to appear to be the perfect child—the cleanest son, the daughter who passes her exams, sat well before visitors and bowed before the elders. Love and attention had to be hard-earned. You overplay your role in people's lives because you imagine maybe if you do more—that extra mile—you will finally be included, needed, and loved. Sadly, you keep others warm even if it makes you cold. One day they express their love for you, and the next day, they are as cold as ice. Your mother's voice still lingers:

"You are not enough. You are not as good as so and so."

"You are not as beautiful as your sister."

As a 35-year-old, you are still waiting for the bike your mom promised you in Class 3 if you passed your exams. You passed the exams, but it was not to her standard. You needed to do more.

The teacher told you that you could never amount to anything just because you were poor in Mathematics, and so you soaked yourself in books to prove him wrong. And every time you imagine becoming a failure, you soak yourself in gaining accolades, recognition. You hide behind work and never get to soak in the joys and victories of accomplishment because you are always in pursuit of the next victory—an overachiever.

The subconscious conditioning raises the voices that make us feel unworthy, in search of something that we never get to achieve. Before we realize it, time is gone, love is lost, and there is a hollow in our hearts. We end up bleeding on people that we should never have bled on from the get-go.

And well, as you grow older, the mask not only becomes too heavy to carry, but your desire to be free increases. Yet it is scary because that is all you know: the shame, the pain, the ridicule, the lack of attention. And I get it. But, I want you to know it is possible to become the better version of yourself. Without invalidating our experiences, I want you to know that quite a number of our parents raised us the way they were raised—from a point of woundedness. Some were never courageous enough to face their own demons, so they displaced their frustrations on us.

Anytime the voices in your head remind you of the wounded child in you, the child that was scarred and had no power to raise their own voice lest it becomes disrespectful, I want you to remember you are no longer that child. You are an adult who knows better, has a voice, understand things from a different perspective, can create boundaries and you can stand on your own. Right now as an adult, I hope you intentional make your voice louder. 

Recognize the patterns and acknowledge the voices and habits that stem from your past. Awareness is the first step to breaking free. Seek therapy or counseling, as a professional can help you unpack your experiences and provide tools to reframe your inner dialogue. Practice self-compassion and, when the voices in your head get loud, remind yourself that you are enough. Speak to yourself with kindness, just as you would to a friend. Set boundaries and learn to say no to protect your energy. Healing often involves letting go of relationships or habits that no longer serve you. Celebrate small wins along the way, as healing is a journey, not a destination. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand and encourage your growth.

It takes courage to heal and I applaud you for that. It takes vulnerability to sit down with pain and the realization that our experiences with our caregivers wounded us and they may never ask for forgiveness. It takes resilience to unpack your experiences. I want to acknowledge you for what you are doing. Healing is not a destination, it is journey so extend grace to yourself. Healing is the most courageous act of love you can offer yourself.