'Dear Dr. Love. My wife gives me gifts but every time I ask her to sit down and spend time with me, she says I am nagging and I need to spend more time with the big boys. What can I do to explain to my wife that I feel loved more when she sits down with me and listens to me?' This and more are what we read in newspaper columns, social media and we get all forms of reactions. Right?

Have you felt your partner loves complaining from here to Timbuktu of how you do not love him/her and you start feeling frustrated and cursing the day you met them? 

There is a way one wants to be loved. What works for you does not necessarily mean will work for your partner. For relationships to be effective, you need to know your partner well enough to understand their form of love language. Primary love language comes from how love was expressed to us when growing up or might be what we lacked. Again, see how our childhood will always follow us but good thing you cannot change it but you can choose to learn from it. 

I know you have planned for Valentine's dates and all, some of you are going big and wild, others small and intimate, while others have been cut off and some emergency travels have started popping up. Love thyself, lol. But do you really know your partner or do you think you know them? Five love languages have been elaborated on by Gary Chapman in his book. They include words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, giving of gifts, and physical touch. None is above the other, it is just that one is primary and others follow. The truth is you need to learn your partner to love them how they want to be loved and not how you want to love them. 

We need to learn our partner's love languages and especially primary love language to have a smooth relationship, love without borders, and give fully otherwise it will be an issue after issue. It can be frustrating buying all sorts of gifts and surprising the true love of your life only for them to tell you, 'Thanks but I still feel empty. I feel like you do not understand me and my needs.' It crushes you because chances are you prefer gifts and that is your love language. Some couples seem to have what the world calls silly fights because one wants to walk arm in arm, stealing kisses but the partner wants to walk without too much attention and is so uncomfortable. Some find hugging and snuggling so foreign yet the partner craves for that. It can be frustrating. 

 But honestly, you need to know your love language first. You need to know your primary love language so that you also express how you want to be loved. The good thing every day is an opportunity for self-discovery. 

As you plan for Valentine, make it a priority to know your partner. Give your love a new meaning, rekindle what was there in the beginning. Sit down and have candid conversations, heart to heart without judging and shouting at each other. 

You will be surprised at what you discover. That it was not as difficult as you thought. You would be surprised that your partner did not need expensive dinners, they just wanted a movie night with you. You will learn how to love your partner, not from your loved your exes but how they want to be loved. And, you will stop being selfish, that it is not just about you and what you want but what the other person desires and wants. You will have empathy enough to fit in their shoes and love them in their element. Your emotional bucket is also full and you give positive vibes. When your emotional bucket is empty you become grumpy, you feel like the world is against you and never see any good thing coming from the entire world. 

And I know you are asking how do I know my love language as well as my partners? Sit, converse but you can as well take the love language test and discover yourself. 

I wish you an amazing Valentine's day, express and receive love. Love and relationships are to be enjoyed and not endured. I am looking forward to strengthened relationships. Love with and from the right person is such a beautiful thing.  

Welcome to February, the month of love where a majority of women get flowers, dinners, and staycation and some men get happy socks and wallets. 

But, love with the right person is such a beautiful thing. It is a journey that fills you up instead of draining, compliments, and makes you a better person. However, not everyone experiences this and I honestly do not blame you. 

Before speaking on how you want to be loved, have you ever considered how you love and why you do it? Our love style depends on our upbringing. Without knowledge of this, we go through internal and external fights. I will not keep you here for long. My research led me to these findings. 

Some of us were brought up in homes with an overly protective, angry, and critical parents. They were condemned left, right and center and with no comfort, the children spent their energy giving comfort to their parents. This made you as an adult be a mood reader to make sure everyone is happy and your focus moved from you to others. It can be draining but that is how you love. You forget your needs. Learn to love yourself. 

Another lot grew up in a chaotic home, more like a battlefield. To survive, they had to be compliant, putting less attention on themselves, hide, and stay away. They have ended up with low self-esteem and they only know chaos. Calmness is unknown to them such that if they get a calm person, it shocks them. I mean they are used to war and that is why this kind, get married to violent people. It is sad but true. You need to love yourself. 

I know of people who grew up taking care of themselves. They had none to cover their back due to absentee and unavailable caregivers. They had to toughen up to survive and sadly they use anger as a weapon to remain in power and never want to change. They are in control when they avoid getting in touch with their vulnerability. They need to let it go though and learn to trust people. 

Lest I forget of individuals who had unpredictable parents. One day they are all loving, calling you the child of their youth, best friends, and the next minute they treat you as an outcast, distant and abusive. The shift of energy shocks you. You have grown up with a fear of abandonment, trying to find the consistency you were deprived of, and you are extremely sensitive. Because of the fear of abandonment, you say yes to any man/woman who smiles at you and you believe they are prince charming and the man of your dreams, soulmate. Child, when they come, breath in, breathe out, calm down and give yourself time to know them before committing. This will avoid incidences of character development and getting hurt by your own expectations. They are not here to stay, it is you who thinks they are here to stay. Bring down those castles. 

And finally, this lot that grew up in homes that they were not really loved and independence and self-reliance was the key thing. They were forced to grow up when they were just a child. These children, now adults learned to put their needs on hold and enjoy their own space. Not that they are not people's person, it is just that if asked, they would be in their cocoon. They need to learn to express their own emotions genuinely. They are human and do not need to agree with everything that comes their way. 

I am sorry that our childhood messed us up and we have been walking wounded thinking that we are loving and being loved genuinely but the truth is they are just a defense mechanism but now that you know, do better and be better. I also hope we choose not to pass it down. I hope you love and find genuine love. But, you need to heal to even allow the cup to overflow 

And, after all, is said and done, remember it begins with you.

It begins with you loving yourself just as you are because ideally, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

It begins with you, realizing you are just okay just as you and you do not have to change to attract someone. The right one will come.

Love begins by you loving yourself, your strengths, and your flaws. Love begins by you understanding your purpose and who you need to align yourself with.

Regardless of your awful experiences, it gets to a point where you have to come face to face with it, not to dwell there but conquer it. You cannot keep saying you believe in love when you call all women gold-diggers and men dogs. If you do not change your narrative, All men will be the same and you will never see any efforts made to make the relationship work.

It needs you to stop the wounds from getting deeper, otherwise, you will bleed on others.

It will need you to define what you want, otherwise, you will attract and settle for any Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes your way as long as they can smile. They will drain you.

As you look or wait for love, it will need you to understand you are just complete as you are, the other party will compliment you. This will stop the frustrations of unrealistic expectations.

Waiting for love can be tricky because of life's pressures, but it will need you to understand that you need to be busy doing your things. Do not sit and wait for love for you to live.

Enjoy every day. Do not miss out on living life because you are waiting for love. Enjoy and love will find you along the way and if it doesn't, you are playing just as you are.

See, it will need you to realize you deserve better and you are worth more. 

It all begins with you being intentional in making your relationship work. It will not flow like manna without you putting efforts.

And there are days, you will need to walk away, not because you do not believe in love, but because you deserve better love.

Just because someone says they love, does not mean they truly mean it. Watch out for the actions more than the words because anyone can say they love you but not everyone will act.

It begins with you realizing your time will come, love will find you and the right one will do. When you do figure this out, you will stop resurrecting things that should be dead.

Love is beautiful, love is food to the soul and you deserve it. Live life, do you, fill yourself. The right one will come. Until then, you are okay in your singlehood.

Love can be found anytime, not just in February. Maybe yours will come in July. Whatever time, could you just live. Get out of that pity party and while at it rediscover yourself, love yourself a new, affirm your greatness, you will begin to glow

It is Monday and I can imagine how most of us have restored to factory settings. We are tired, actually, because of all the efforts, we put to please our loved ones.

You probably quarreled yesternight because of the gifts that were given.

You might have thought of how expensive the dinner was.

Now, it is Monday morning and you are thinking of escaping the presence of your beloved. 

You can finally shed off the mask.

But how about we reflect on some things.

Love is a beautiful thing, it doesn't have to be celebrated once a year. 

Remember, the days when your love was ripe in its initial stages, the long conversations you had, the long walks you enjoyed as you felt the breeze. You got comfortable after you won the love. 

I hope this year's Valentine's will not make you bitter but will be a wake-up call that love is a verb that needs both parties present to work on the relationship.

This should be a reminder of the joyous past that you enjoyed and go back to the things that you once did for your partner. 

These 'perfect' couples that we idolize did not just happen. They worked on it. They did not wait for Valentine's day. They loved each other on labor day and hero's day. Even, on days they did not feel like it. 

So, take time to work on your union.

Before you wake up from your bed with thoughts of how you have spent too much for a day, take time and pause.

I hope you do not find your partner as the nagging and unappreciative type because you brought them a gift and they desired you to cook for them or fix something in the house.

May this be the beginning of you re-learning your partner, their love language, their desires. Take time to listen to your partner. Listen through their words and actions.

I know some of us, went the extra mile to clear the schedules to be with our loved ones, you canceled the meetings, had a nanny to take care of your babies so you could enjoy the dinner. This will be the beginning of being intentional in creating time for the relationship. Let it be consistent. We create time for things and people we love. Prioritize that relationship.

The weekend had our hand in hand with the love of our lives. We spoke softly and felt each other's heartbeats. We did not have to shout to make our points, our eyes spoke volumes and communicated desires. 

Hopefully, this will be the beginning of solving issues, because it won't always be perfect, in a civilized way. It will not be a matter of who shouts the most, who is right, and a competition. It will not be a matter of winning against each other but fighting from the same page.

Yesterday we called our partners Babe, Baby, Mi Amor, love and you did not choke. We did not call them dogs, idiots, the pain of my life, worst mistakes or so and so father. May this be the beginning of being loving in your relationship. The pet names can work wonders. It feels nice being called Baby.

This past weekend, there were no suspicious headaches, backaches, and unimaginable ways. Things went down. This should be the beginning of the end of self-imposed diseases and enjoy every minute of the rising of occasions and that you will be cheerful givers.

I hope this is the beginning of a happily ever after because it is possible. I believe in love, loving, and be loved. Love is a medicine that cures so many things. Love is a beautiful thing. Enjoy loving and being loved and as our theme of the year says, be intentional in making your love work.

The grass is not green on the other side. It is greener where it is watered. 

Don't wait for next year. Begin today. Get out of bed and love your person. Rewrite your love story today. 

The streets are full of women looking for happy socks, wallets, handkerchiefs, and watches to surprise their baes for valentines. I know the gifts are the same as last year, the only difference is the color.

The men are busy planning impromptu meetings and getting severe colds that will force them on bed rest for two weeks.

There is a couple that is waiting for Valentine's day to rekindle their love after a whole year's fight.

There is a couple that believes in Valentine's Day and already made plans to celebrate the day.

Then, there is a soul that is distant and afraid to dive into the pool of love. They wonder what is there to celebrate.

A heart that is afraid to love, afraid to be loved.

Some people have been wounded to a point that they believe love was not meant for them.

They have created walls so that no one can come close to them but more so for them not to get closer to the other party.

They have branded themselves as 'people who can only love at a distance'

 They are quick in running away when the heart starts melting for someone.

But, for how long will you keep running away?

How long will you entertain the thought of your capability of loving?

The wounds cut too deep, the scars too big, far too deep to fathom the thought of being loved. 

Even the worst of them all deserves some love, even the broken beyond recognition can love and be loved.

Love is a beautiful thing, but you need to open your heart to the idea of loving and being loved.

You do not have to sell yourself short because of how your past played.

You do not have to doubt your ability to love and be loved.

It is time you stop running away and give yourself a chance.

The reason why you are not with someone is that you have held on to the fear of the unknown and fear that it will be just the same. You are looking at what you are not forgetting of what and you are. You are afraid to open up. You are holding onto the past. 

Life is a series of ups and downs but if someone dares to love you, it means there is something good in you and you deserve to love and be loved.

Stop wandering and allow realize that someone can love you as broken as you are.

Stop running away, your past experiences were there to mold you. 

Stop beating yourself down. You do not need to be perfect to be love, you just need to be present. No one is perfect.

Be human enough to love, to allow others to love you because love is a beautiful thing.

But, first, open yourself to loving you. To understand that you are okay, your heart is okay.

If someone tells you they love you, believe it. Maybe it is time to have a mirror meeting. Do you see the person you see in the mirror? That person has a great heart that deserves to love and be loved. 

Stop sacrificing your love because you feel unworthy.

Your heart is not just for pumping blood but to love and be loved.

Today, take a pause and ask your heart, 'for how long will I be wandering, be running away.'

Tell your heart it is about time and it will be still. 

Could it be the love that you are running away from, be the source of your healing?

Don't stare as lovebirds hold their hands and stare at each other. Don't run away from these scenarios.

Just tell your heart, it is your time to love and be loved. 

Love is what pushes us to be who we are.

Love makes our life beautiful 

He is a toxic one. He has some characters that I am sick and tired of. An unsupportive child of a human being. He is making efforts though minimal. Why can't they do things, like other people?

Why won't she understand things and do things my way?

Nobody cares for me and needs me.

These and other statements are what we commonly say or hear when complaining about others.

We are very quick to point out the toxicity in others.

But could it be that you are blind to your toxicity or you do not want to admit that you are?

It is rehab time. It is a self-audit time.

Some of you will be there for people in their lowest moments, such a noble thing. But when they thrive, you never want to be close to them. You almost choke to death at the thought of their success. You are threatened by their growth. You feel you are the only one who should be above. You undermine their success, 'You built a mansion but it is out of town, how will you cope? That job is okay but who will you leave the children with.' Toxic person.

You have an account of every wrong thing the other person has done. Word by word, step by step. 'I remember in 1988 when you had your green shirt on, at 11; 01 am you stared at me and abused me. Decades later, you keep reminding them of the episodes and the fact that your heart has never softened to forgiveness. Current state, you demand and expect forgiveness. Toxic traits.

You are Mr. Perfect. You expect everything to go your way or no way. With you around, there is no opportunity for a mistake. You correct people but in a way to demean them. You are superior to others 

Do you always do some disappearances acts in the heat of a conflict? You blue tick her and she is left confused. She comes up with different theories, concludes and you are there thinking about how you are teaching her lesson. She needs to see your worth and respect you and that's how men are cultured to resolve issues. You do not think for a moment about having a sit-down. Couples should solve their issues in the same camp and not against each other. Dude, you are toxic.

One of the most difficult things is to admit our areas to work including being a toxic person. We all want to talk about our strengths. 

Sometimes, it is easy to be toxic without much effort.

Could it be you are bleeding on people that never hurt you? Could it be your defense mechanism to something that you do not want to face? Be intentional in seeking help.

Are you willing to receive feedback on areas to work on and be intentional in change?

Are you willing to let go of your ego to save a relationship?

Are you willing to be present and fit in other's shoes and critically ask if you would want to be treated how you are treating them?

Are you willing to leave your toxic nature and work on yourself?

Are you willing to admit your vulnerability, that you are scared and prone to being hurt instead of being toxic? You are not a superman and you can get hurt. 

Do not let yourself be blinded by the toxicity inside of you. Admitting that you are toxic is the first step to work on yourself. Can you breathe, then you have an opportunity to be a better person every day.

Do not walk around with too much baggage and garbage. Free yourself 

My grandmother used to talk highly of individuals she had been friends with for fifty years. Of course, it wasn't smooth sailing. They had their moments but they stuck together. They were genuine with each other. There for each other through thick and thin. Of course, others were just fake individuals

Not to say, there are no genuine friendships but, a motive has to be tagged in all our friendships. Some have perfected the art of complaining about hat their friends are not doing. Bickering every day of the things the friends did and were not supposed to and vice versa. We have become a generation that points fingers at others for our unrealistic expectations.

But how about me and you have a candid conversation.

Before complaining about your friends not matching up to your expectations, are you a real friend?

Are you secretly rooting for their failure? Oh, thee spirit of Jezebel.

Are you someone that will speak highly of your friends in their absence or will use the opportunity to undress them before the crowd. Talk about their weaknesses with some form of exaggeration.

Are you the individual who speaks as if you are the designated savior of all your friends, 'without me, they wouldn't have gone anywhere. I have helped them. Don't you see they have added weight because of the food I provide for him and the family?'

Are you the one who would hide an opportunity from a friend until the deadline because of envy and feeling she doesn't deserve a breakthrough?

What kind of friend are you, the one who smiles when together but stabs when they look back?

Are you the type of friend who will have an affair with your BFF's husband and justify it. After all, everyone is doing it. 

Are you the type of friend who will go to war for your friends or you are the one who fuels the war and puts them at the frontline to be killed? 

Are you part of the man eat mean society and you are the reason your friends are not progressing? The one who creates pseudos accounts to attack them.

Are you the type that uses your friends to fight your battles, be present at your lowest moments, and once you flourish you distant yourself from them?

I hope you have stopped and reflected because as much as we are social beings if you are not being a real friend then you have got no business being in another's life. Maybe you should just pack and leave. It will save you the bickering.

Friendships are not devoid of challenges but in a world that is so fake, let's have one thing that is real. Friendships. Be a Jonathan to a David. 

One friend can not be everything to you but can you base the friendship on genuineness, honesty, trust, and manage your expectations. Are you among the five friends that can be listed in your circle or you are just a figure to add onto the list?

Be a real friend. Be the support system. Don't be the enemy in a sheep's clothing. Stop being a frenemy.

 Don't stay in a friendship that is dead because of your monitoring spirits, envy, and jealousy.

If you can't be a real friend, Quit.

Choose a struggle, it is either you are in or out.