Love Language

Photo by Jeremy Bezanger on Unsplash

'Dear Dr. Love. My wife gives me gifts but every time I ask her to sit down and spend time with me, she says I am nagging and I need to spend more time with the big boys. What can I do to explain to my wife that I feel loved more when she sits down with me and listens to me?' This and more are what we read in newspaper columns, social media and we get all forms of reactions. Right?

Have you felt your partner loves complaining from here to Timbuktu of how you do not love him/her and you start feeling frustrated and cursing the day you met them? 

There is a way one wants to be loved. What works for you does not necessarily mean will work for your partner. For relationships to be effective, you need to know your partner well enough to understand their form of love language. Primary love language comes from how love was expressed to us when growing up or might be what we lacked. Again, see how our childhood will always follow us but good thing you cannot change it but you can choose to learn from it. 

I know you have planned for Valentine's dates and all, some of you are going big and wild, others small and intimate, while others have been cut off and some emergency travels have started popping up. Love thyself, lol. But do you really know your partner or do you think you know them? Five love languages have been elaborated on by Gary Chapman in his book. They include words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, giving of gifts, and physical touch. None is above the other, it is just that one is primary and others follow. The truth is you need to learn your partner to love them how they want to be loved and not how you want to love them. 

We need to learn our partner's love languages and especially primary love language to have a smooth relationship, love without borders, and give fully otherwise it will be an issue after issue. It can be frustrating buying all sorts of gifts and surprising the true love of your life only for them to tell you, 'Thanks but I still feel empty. I feel like you do not understand me and my needs.' It crushes you because chances are you prefer gifts and that is your love language. Some couples seem to have what the world calls silly fights because one wants to walk arm in arm, stealing kisses but the partner wants to walk without too much attention and is so uncomfortable. Some find hugging and snuggling so foreign yet the partner craves for that. It can be frustrating. 

 But honestly, you need to know your love language first. You need to know your primary love language so that you also express how you want to be loved. The good thing every day is an opportunity for self-discovery. 

As you plan for Valentine, make it a priority to know your partner. Give your love a new meaning, rekindle what was there in the beginning. Sit down and have candid conversations, heart to heart without judging and shouting at each other. 

You will be surprised at what you discover. That it was not as difficult as you thought. You would be surprised that your partner did not need expensive dinners, they just wanted a movie night with you. You will learn how to love your partner, not from your loved your exes but how they want to be loved. And, you will stop being selfish, that it is not just about you and what you want but what the other person desires and wants. You will have empathy enough to fit in their shoes and love them in their element. Your emotional bucket is also full and you give positive vibes. When your emotional bucket is empty you become grumpy, you feel like the world is against you and never see any good thing coming from the entire world. 

And I know you are asking how do I know my love language as well as my partners? Sit, converse but you can as well take the love language test and discover yourself. 

I wish you an amazing Valentine's day, express and receive love. Love and relationships are to be enjoyed and not endured. I am looking forward to strengthened relationships. Love with and from the right person is such a beautiful thing.