Why You Love The Way You Love

 

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Welcome to February, the month of love where a majority of women get flowers, dinners, and staycation and some men get happy socks and wallets. 

But, love with the right person is such a beautiful thing. It is a journey that fills you up instead of draining, compliments, and makes you a better person. However, not everyone experiences this and I honestly do not blame you. 

Before speaking on how you want to be loved, have you ever considered how you love and why you do it? Our love style depends on our upbringing. Without knowledge of this, we go through internal and external fights. I will not keep you here for long. My research led me to these findings. 

Some of us were brought up in homes with an overly protective, angry, and critical parents. They were condemned left, right and center and with no comfort, the children spent their energy giving comfort to their parents. This made you as an adult be a mood reader to make sure everyone is happy and your focus moved from you to others. It can be draining but that is how you love. You forget your needs. Learn to love yourself. 

Another lot grew up in a chaotic home, more like a battlefield. To survive, they had to be compliant, putting less attention on themselves, hide, and stay away. They have ended up with low self-esteem and they only know chaos. Calmness is unknown to them such that if they get a calm person, it shocks them. I mean they are used to war and that is why this kind, get married to violent people. It is sad but true. You need to love yourself. 

I know of people who grew up taking care of themselves. They had none to cover their back due to absentee and unavailable caregivers. They had to toughen up to survive and sadly they use anger as a weapon to remain in power and never want to change. They are in control when they avoid getting in touch with their vulnerability. They need to let it go though and learn to trust people. 

Lest I forget of individuals who had unpredictable parents. One day they are all loving, calling you the child of their youth, best friends, and the next minute they treat you as an outcast, distant and abusive. The shift of energy shocks you. You have grown up with a fear of abandonment, trying to find the consistency you were deprived of, and you are extremely sensitive. Because of the fear of abandonment, you say yes to any man/woman who smiles at you and you believe they are prince charming and the man of your dreams, soulmate. Child, when they come, breath in, breathe out, calm down and give yourself time to know them before committing. This will avoid incidences of character development and getting hurt by your own expectations. They are not here to stay, it is you who thinks they are here to stay. Bring down those castles. 

And finally, this lot that grew up in homes that they were not really loved and independence and self-reliance was the key thing. They were forced to grow up when they were just a child. These children, now adults learned to put their needs on hold and enjoy their own space. Not that they are not people's person, it is just that if asked, they would be in their cocoon. They need to learn to express their own emotions genuinely. They are human and do not need to agree with everything that comes their way. 

I am sorry that our childhood messed us up and we have been walking wounded thinking that we are loving and being loved genuinely but the truth is they are just a defense mechanism but now that you know, do better and be better. I also hope we choose not to pass it down. I hope you love and find genuine love. But, you need to heal to even allow the cup to overflow