Welcome to February, the month of love where a majority of women get flowers, dinners, and staycation and some men get happy socks and wallets. 

But, love with the right person is such a beautiful thing. It is a journey that fills you up instead of draining, compliments, and makes you a better person. However, not everyone experiences this and I honestly do not blame you. 

Before speaking on how you want to be loved, have you ever considered how you love and why you do it? Our love style depends on our upbringing. Without knowledge of this, we go through internal and external fights. I will not keep you here for long. My research led me to these findings. 

Some of us were brought up in homes with an overly protective, angry, and critical parents. They were condemned left, right and center and with no comfort, the children spent their energy giving comfort to their parents. This made you as an adult be a mood reader to make sure everyone is happy and your focus moved from you to others. It can be draining but that is how you love. You forget your needs. Learn to love yourself. 

Another lot grew up in a chaotic home, more like a battlefield. To survive, they had to be compliant, putting less attention on themselves, hide, and stay away. They have ended up with low self-esteem and they only know chaos. Calmness is unknown to them such that if they get a calm person, it shocks them. I mean they are used to war and that is why this kind, get married to violent people. It is sad but true. You need to love yourself. 

I know of people who grew up taking care of themselves. They had none to cover their back due to absentee and unavailable caregivers. They had to toughen up to survive and sadly they use anger as a weapon to remain in power and never want to change. They are in control when they avoid getting in touch with their vulnerability. They need to let it go though and learn to trust people. 

Lest I forget of individuals who had unpredictable parents. One day they are all loving, calling you the child of their youth, best friends, and the next minute they treat you as an outcast, distant and abusive. The shift of energy shocks you. You have grown up with a fear of abandonment, trying to find the consistency you were deprived of, and you are extremely sensitive. Because of the fear of abandonment, you say yes to any man/woman who smiles at you and you believe they are prince charming and the man of your dreams, soulmate. Child, when they come, breath in, breathe out, calm down and give yourself time to know them before committing. This will avoid incidences of character development and getting hurt by your own expectations. They are not here to stay, it is you who thinks they are here to stay. Bring down those castles. 

And finally, this lot that grew up in homes that they were not really loved and independence and self-reliance was the key thing. They were forced to grow up when they were just a child. These children, now adults learned to put their needs on hold and enjoy their own space. Not that they are not people's person, it is just that if asked, they would be in their cocoon. They need to learn to express their own emotions genuinely. They are human and do not need to agree with everything that comes their way. 

I am sorry that our childhood messed us up and we have been walking wounded thinking that we are loving and being loved genuinely but the truth is they are just a defense mechanism but now that you know, do better and be better. I also hope we choose not to pass it down. I hope you love and find genuine love. But, you need to heal to even allow the cup to overflow 

Now that you know, be different. The pressure of awakening is the realization that you cannot continue living like you do. It is the realization that you are the cycle breaker in the family and you need you. It is the realization that you are disrupting a pattern, recognizing your own dysfunctionality and you no longer want to fit in. 

I will be honest with you. It is not easy going back and sitting with your pain but that is the beginning of liberation. You cannot fix it if you cannot understand it. The truth is you have the most work to do for yourself and on yourself. 

Until you are willing to heal, you cannot heal. This is the first step. Most of you have already normalized your unhealthy lives and see it as okay. I have heard people say, 'this is how we are, we cannot change.' STOP. That is not how you are, that is how you were conditioned, that is your defense mechanism. 

That is why there is a need to unlearn, relearn and learn. Therapy is key. The investment made on self is never a waste. Invest in you. This will actually be the motivating factor. In my line of work, I have found those who have purposed to be in therapy, make tremendous progress. Allow yourself to heal through the process. Stop giving yourself deadlines that you must have healed by a certain date or heal like someone else. Why? Because the healing journey is different for different people. Trauma and socialization are different for all of us. Some of us have to heal from numerous sexual abuse from caregivers, some need to heal from negative remarks, others need to heal using sex as a defense mechanism. Some need to heal from the shouting and the trauma inflicted. We all are healing. It is your journey. Heal at your own pace. 

In the process of therapy, you realize you need to forgive yourself for thinking something is wrong with you. You let go of the negative patterns and you begin learning. 

I also realized that breaking the cycle takes courage, but it needs you. In simpler terms, this is a journey you might have to go solo. Why? Because of our normalization, we think everything is okay and are fixated on that. 

Stop harboring self-limiting beliefs. You were not born a failure. What happened to you made you believe and think something is wrong with you. 

Live, Love, Laugh. 

Pick that phone, seek help and meet with your therapist. The beginning of your safe space. 

I cannot wait to see you walking towards the person you were meant to be, living in your purpose and letting go of the baggage that you were not supposed to carry. I cannot wait for you to see how you are beautiful and worth it. Walk the journey. Heal yourself and the next generation 

Two years ago, I booked in sessions for therapy. My therapist would give me assignments and there are days I thought she had something against me because I had to face the past. I had to sit down with my pain and have a conversation. I had to sit with my joy and laugh my ass out. Boy, I had an interesting life. I learned that going back was easier said than done but it was necessary to learn, unlearn and relearn and also moments to affirm myself. Now, I realize I had to go back to heal. 

Last week, I asked us to go back to our origin and find who we really are and our patterns. I hope you did. Remember we said we are living life intentionally. I hope you noticed the patterns. For some it was a walk in the park, they had healthy families with good values and of course manageable issues and to some, it was opening a wound that they thought I had healed or the realization they were living a lie. 

Our backgrounds have made and shaped us and have also broken us. In your treasure hunt to find your background, there were some findings. Some realized that they had present caregivers who loved and affirmed them when growing up. Some were listened to, given audience, and in case of correction, it was done in love and not a world war. They saw their parents loving each other. This kind grew up with confidence and have healthier relationships with themselves and others. 

Then, there are others whose backgrounds show nothing but pain. They were shown how unworthy they were. They knew the world was against them at a young age and something was wrong. They picked negative energies from the environment. Raised in abusive families, abuse was normalized and hence sticking in wrong relationships because they do not know any better. Anything is allowed in their lives or should I say your life. Yes, you because I am talking to you. Life is just avoid. You have turned out to be a people pleaser because growing up, you had to go out of your way to get attention from your caregivers. You have developed trust issues and a negative defense mechanism. Some of you cannot buy yourself a coffee or take yourself out because you grew up being told it is being selfish. Others come first, so you have deprived yourself to become relevant for others. 

And, right now you are raising your child in the same toxic environment, wounded but with no idea that you are sick and the patterns continue. 

Some of you treat women like trash and see nothing wrong with it because that is how you were taught. Some ladies are looking for 'wababa or dzaddy' to fill the void of an absentee father who you think left because of you. 

Honestly, I do not blame some of our parents. Because that is how they were raised. They raise you how they were raised. They did not know any better. I do not blame you for how you turned out like shouting at your children and guilt-tripping them. I do not blame you for sitting in an abusive marriage because that is the kind of love you saw, witnessed, and knew it was the way but you deserve it. But now, you know better, you do better, right?

Healing is your responsibility. It is time to sit with the pain and face it. It is time to heal and realize your worth. It is time to break the patterns. It is time to know that your children are not a retirement scheme, a time to let go of the baggage and create new patterns, and a time to say enough is enough. You cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results. 

I am tempted to say, 'kama si sasa, ni sasa hivi' It has nothing to do with politics. It has to do with making our lives different. 

But honestly, we show up for others, you need to show up for yourself. You cannot keep bleeding on your children, partner, and pet. Healing is an intentional journey. 

Sit down with the pain and notice how it has affected and changed you. 

Take action. Next week, we learn how to take action and heal ourselves. Heal from trauma and safeguard our mental wellbeing. I applaud you for the steps you have made. 

I know a majority of us have taken time to write resolutions and things we want to manifest and achieve. It is not bad; I highly recommend that. However, aren’t you tired of the same patterns of life that keep holding you back, derail and delay you?

Like my daughter, I will ask you, ‘what is beyond your grandmother.’ What is your origin? What have you inherited from your family? What are your family patterns, the good and the bad? How do you name your children? Was there love in your family or anger in your family that even the devil fears your clan?

There are so many patterns we get from our history, background.

I desire to live differently and pass it to my generation. I hope it is your story too. For this to happen, sometimes, it means going back to before your own birth. To be different, you need to be different.

I have heard people say how their family is full of thieves, other scholars, some dysfunctional. I want us to start a journey of self-awareness and discovery. I want us to change our family story by looking back. If there is anything you owe yourself, it is to build a different life. If anger came from your generation, anger does not need to trickle down to your next generation. If love, peace, mercy, joy were experienced from the first generation by all means let it trickle down to the next one. By all means, let light keep shining.

For the next few days, I want us to take a journey back and reflect on the history. Go back to your family, ask questions, check out pictures and family albums. Ask your relatives if they are still alive, about the history of your family. Where did they live? What levels of education did they achieve? What kind of upbringing did they have? What values were instilled in your family? Did the marriages last? Were they monogamous or polygamous? When did the relatives die and where were they buried? Note all the patterns, the good and not so good. EVERYTHING. I know we are busy making ends meet. But I also know we all have an innate desire to do things differently. After that, sit down and reflect on the things you have received from your family and you have passed down to your children. Look out at how the events have made you who you are now? Are you happy or sad? Do you want to pass it down to your generation and I will see you next week?

Life is beyond your grandmother and her name. It is what you went through that makes you who you are now. You are only going to your past, not to change things because you cannot, but to see how you have been affected and change your life now.

It is 2022, be intentional, grow and glow. It is the year we sit down with our emotions and face them. It is the year we stop hating our cousins for reasons known best by our great grandparents. It is the year we purpose to be different. The negative chains end with us. Over the next few months, I will poke you to take action.

As the sun rises, so will I. 

The sunrise is hope for a new day but it may be doom for another because of the patterns of life. But as the sun rises, I will look at my glass not as half full or half empty but at an angle that I have some space to fill for the day.

I will no longer carry the burden of yesterday which of course is easier said than done. But what good has it done over the years, has anything changed, or has it pulled me down to the ground?

I have realized I plan my life but ultimately, I do not direct it. But I will keep on planning because I know one sunrise things will fall into place. 

Today, the sun rose, what are you telling yourself?

It is easier to get entangled in our problems, stresses, and life challenges. It is easy to carry the burdens of life because that is what we know best. It is easy to forget that we have so much potential. It is sometimes safer to stay in our comfort zone because that is familiar territory.

And with the pandemic, we can get entangled in counting our losses and cursing. I mean things were just opening up, we were gaining ground and picking up the pieces of what was left of us. 

But the sun rose today, what choice do you have? 

With the sunrise, you have a choice to rise or have a pity party? I have come to realize, it is easy to have look down on ourselves because most have been condition to believe nothing good comes from them. 

But, let go of the baggage and burdens you have carried for years, it is too much burden. 

May the sun's rays help you know it is an opportunity to love and be loved. Some of you are afraid of loving and being loved because you have a few series of life experiences. Let the dawn of day, allow you to love.

Do what you need to do today. Stop procrastinating. Stop waiting for the perfect time, it will never come. You have today. 

Get out of that bed, enjoy the sunrise, and as the day unfold. The joy of a new day, is you have another opportunity to learn, unlearn and relearn. You have an opportunity to live. Feed your spirit with goodness and positivity. Choose battles worth fighting for and letting go. 

We cannot keep living life in a hopeless state. We cannot keep waiting for the perfect time. I hope every sunrise reminds you that it is a new day, new dawn. I hope every sunrise awakens the giant in you to achieve what you need to.

I hope every sunrise brings you closer to you and discovering yourself and your purpose.