I Finally Found The Good in the Goodbye

It pierced me deep in my soul and broke my bones into little tiny pieces.

I kept hearing all your voices in my mind every single day, more like a three times a day prescription. 

It hurt me when you walked away, and before walking away you told me I was worthless, I was unlovable, just another piece of trash to you.

I worked for you, all my youth but you pulled me down and told me I could never be given a promotion, was just okay as a janitor, the board didn't see me fit for it and I actually got a termination letter.

Suddenly, my crew, my homies, my personal persons felt I was too much of an embarrassment to them with how I dressed, talked and they had gone a class higher and I woke upto the WhatsApp notification, 'removed'

I couldn't count with my fingers and toes just how many goodbyes I heard and experienced.

For so long, the tears were my pillow. The negative feelings, the emotional rollercoaster.

There were days I felt like eating oil so I could be more curvaceous. Didn't you leave me because I was too skinny, my collar bones resembled the gutters to harvest rain? 

There were days I did not eat because another felt I was too big for him and didn't have an additional budget for mattresses every month.

I tried everything within your books to fit. I tried lowering my standards.

I tried taking a loan to buy 'cool' clothes to fit in the crew and buy you booze and lunch but as soon as I ran out of cash you took the highway. 

What haven't I done? The crazy and not the so crazy.

But ENOUGH is ENOUGH. That is what I used to do, crying, begging, bargaining and all that kinda shenanigans.

But now, I found the good in your goodbye.

I wiped away my tears.

I found my worth is not pegged on a relationship. I worked on me, I don't have to add or reduce weight for anyone, don't have to change to be accepted. Yes, I raised the bar too high and only the one who was worth could reach it but either way I was comfortable being alone. Alone got a new meaning and no it wasn't loneliness.

Now, I pushed myself and pursued my passion and now am living a fulfilled life.

The good in that hurtful goodbye was I broke the limits, I became an eagle and I can now fly. I won't settle for less. I am far much more than what I gave myself credit for. I found my purpose in your goodbye.

What was meant to hurt me actually accelerated me. 

I purposed to find the good in the goodbye and it refined me. I was meant to stand out and not fit in. Without your goodbye, I would still be in a cocoon.

Now, I am a precious gem.