It has been a long minute since I was here, but I am grateful that I still have people who pass by an article or so. Life has been busy, but I miss penning down my thoughts here. I think it is part of adulting. As a child, I kept saying how I wished to be an adult. Well, if I had a memo, I would have reconsidered this or come with my manual. Today, I sat down reflecting on how the year has been. First, I am concerned about the speed this year is taking. It is already May. Just the other day, we were crossing over to 2024, and a number of people deliberately refused to claim how this year would be their year, lest they jinx it. A lot has happened from global to personal levels.

While it has been a minute, I am seated here just wondering how life can be fragile and how foolish of us to imagine the permanency of life. I am seated here scrolling through social media and seeing how life is fragile. I am looking at how the floods have affected people and are no respecter of persons. I know I have written about time in a different way in one of the posts, and that is why I feel like I am having a déjà vu. I feel like people still do not understand just how frail and powerless we are that we cannot control time. We think we are all powerful until we realize we can only do so much.

My turnaround happened during Covid-19. When all my plans came crashing down and every 4:00 PM, the then Cabinet Secretary for Health would update us on the new infections. God, this sucked and drained, and from then I can count the number of times I have watched the news. My turnaround happened then when I realized that there was never a perfect moment. It was an illusion that would rob me of my joy and purpose. I began celebrating my birthdays religiously to celebrate life. Courtesy of Carol, our self-care ambassador, I began an intentional journey towards self-care, and the four years have been blissful. I have seen my therapists at will and when love took me back to sessions twice a week.

I think these floods made me sit down and reminded me of a few things. We have what we can control and what we absolutely cannot. We are not in control of time, and there is nothing we can do about it. I am partly Kisii but still cannot tell time to stop. But you and I can do one thing: live life. I hope you realize what you have is now, that is all, and I hope you live and enjoy every minute of it. If you are being sun-kissed, enjoy the warmth, and if you are passing through the waters, brave it because no season lasts forever. Stop with the illusion of a perfect time or saving time. Stop with the idea that 10 years from now things will be better. Before you get to the 10th year, what are you doing with the present?

Stop waiting for the perfect moment to wear that sunny Sunday best. Stop waiting for the perfect moment to express and give love. Yes, this will be your 35th relationship, but not all men are dogs. Have you dated all of them? And not all girls are gold diggers, and probably the concern should be if you have any gold to dig. Stop and let go of the bitterness and unforgiveness you carry because some of your faces are full of wrinkles not because of your age but because of the load you carry. Start creating memories for your old age now. Dance in the rain, laugh at your own silly jokes, live life, start the small steps towards your goal and love. Take yourself out on that date. Read that book. Those who have died because of the floods had plans but they cannot actualize them. Some who have been evicted had nice cutlery famously known for guests while they were using worn-out plastic plates that have seen better days. Stop waiting for the guests to have fine dining, be your own guests. Go buy yourself flowers and do not wait for prince charming, what if he was swept by the floods. 

Time is a beautiful asset if only we see the gift it comes with, now. The best time you have is now. What are you holding back for the perfect moment? Who told you there will be a perfect moment? Enjoy the greatest gift, the present, now. Stop with the self inflicted barriers. 

If I lived the life I envisioned in my mother's house when I was young, I would be a neurosurgeon, a journalist, or working with the FBI. I had read Think Big and Gifted Hands by Ben Carson and knew them by heart. I had solved mysteries and crimes in my mind courtesy of the Nancy Drew series. I would take newspapers and imitate the late Catherine Kasavuli. Clearly, even as a young person, I desired so many things. As children, we were allowed to dream. But, life happens when we mature and because of disappointments, and heartbreaks, we become so cautious with our desires, and plans and we are just scared to allow the child in us to dream and live. 

Life is not always in our control. Well, let us just say things would be different if it was. Some individuals would not cross our paths or life would be all bliss. But we are living on this earth. I would like to speak to individuals who feel that their lives stopped because of the choices they made. I am talking to the lady who has to raise her child solo because Father Walker keeps walking and unlike Lot's wife he never turns back to see who he left behind. The guy who was loyal to his workplace for years and felt guilty taking up consultancies but the board woke up one day and decided he was no longer fit. I am talking to the lady who had to bury her husband at a young age and still fight the inlaws to protect her inheritance. I am talking to one who has tarmacked for years looking for a job after studying a marketable course for six years. I am talking to the one who had indicated on her vision board that they would get married at 25 and they are turning 40 this year and they are on the verge of accepting someone, anyone, as long as they are breathing in and out. 

When things do not work as planned, when things do not work as expected there is the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. The self-esteem is injured, your voice disappears and sometimes you live under the mercies of individuals who are in positions of power and control. It is easy to question who you are, your worth, and its purpose. Just because life has happened does not mean that you cannot become what you have desired. It may tarry but it will come to pass. 

We have heard about the north star, the brightest, and its consistent position in the sky. It was used to give direction. Let us get back to our lives, when the going gets ghetto it becomes ghetto and one feels like life has no direction and we even forget our dreams. Here is the thing, we all have our north star whether it is darkest in life or otherwise. It is still there. Yes, life has happened but you still have dreams and a purpose in life. Find your north star, find your purpose. Some will find it when they receive their divorce papers, others on their partner's deathbed, others when raising their children, and another lot when life is bliss. Do not allow life's circumstances to make you believe you were just created to breathe in and out. Go get that degree at 40. Go for that vacation. Change that career. Get married again after a divorce. Go for therapy. Let go of the things that weigh heavy on you. Things happened, some beyond your control but what is in your control is living life, picking the pieces, and making a new original. Well, it is not a walk in the park but I hope you allow yourself to find your North Star, and allow it to guide you. Get rid of the limiting beliefs because of the hell you have been through. Get rid of what others say you can or cannot do. Go get that passport, dream, it will be stamped. Do you. Live your life. May you find your North Star and I hope you allow it to lead you. I hope your purpose fuels you and I hope you realize it. I hope you are at home with yourself to understand that you can become and what happened to you can help you redirect your life. I dare you to sit down with yourself and discover yourself all over again. I dare you to believe in yourself again. 

Happy Valentine's my loves. Enjoy this day and the days to come. 

"When is the deadline for wishing people New Year tidings? Does it have an end, though? Anyway, welcome back and I hope the new year serves you quite well. One thing we can agree on is this has been the fastest January in history. Welcome to February where suddenly not all men are dogs, but they are called babe, mi amor, and all because of the pressure of one day, Valentine’s Day, and probably your relationship will expire on the thirteenth of February.

When was the last time you had time for yourself? I am not talking about the me-time you have to babysit your grown friends in a club. I am talking about the time you got in touch with yourself. Not the binge-watching kind. As we crossed over the year, I got time to reflect on so many things and just observe the surroundings and I realized quite a number of us are marathoners running away from ourselves. Some of you are already fatigued and no, it is not the 40 days of January or the pressure of what to do for your many partners during Valentine's. It is the running away from yourself.

We have become social media addicts, people pleasers, busy addicts, sex addicts, and drug addicts because we barely connect with our own selves. Please do not get me wrong, we have been created as social beings and so, by all means, interact with people, and make memories but the problem comes in when you use all these as an escape. Are you really the life of a party and the entertainer of the group or are you avoiding uncomfortable emotions? Are you a logical person in the group or are you just afraid of self-reflection and finding out that you probably have esteem issues, daddy and mommy issues and you were the unloved child growing up? Are you afraid of walking some paths solo because you are afraid that no one will validate you and that is where your ego feeds from? Are you afraid of being vulnerable so you cannot sit down with yourself? Yet, you open up to your friends and they are international reporters reporting on the breaking news. Are you really a clubbing person, player, and bad boy/girl or is it just pressure and fear of missing out?

Knowing better is just not enough; real transformation comes when you do better. This is 2024, and I know that we all have these resolutions, and my hope is that the self-improvement journey is one of them. The process is not always a walk in the park but self-awareness is a lifelong journey and fulfilling. Sitting with yourself will make you realize that some friends need not be in your life. Sitting in silence and walking some journeys solo will make you realize it is just orgasms that have fixated you in a toxic relationship that cannot be saved and you are a walking skeleton because the relationship has sucked you up. Sitting solo to reflect helps you realize that you are probably living someone else’s life and it is draining you. Some of you are just forcing issues to become doctors and get married to a doctor so that each statement you make will be, ‘Daktari and I. You know Daktari took me to the Maldives. Daktari fed me yesterday. Daktari this. Daktari that.’ And all this while there is an artistic side of you that needs to be unleashed. All this time, you are on autopilot because of titles that run in the family. Some of you are toxic to people around you, but you have refused to sit down with yourself and introspect and the statement is always, ‘This is how I am. I can’t change.’ Tell me why you would be toxic and own it and do nothing about it. It is because you are just afraid of being vulnerable.

I know it is pretty hard sitting down with yourself and walking some paths solo but trust me it is necessary. We must start the practice if we want to live different lives. It is not just enough being with people, masking in music and social circles. I know it can be daunting to you especially if you are used to sweeping things under the carpet. I know there is what you call normal to you but probably it isn’t. It is what you find yourself doing. They say the new year brings new things. Well, one can change their lives at any point and if they are intentional. I hope this year makes you get in touch with yourself and make your life better. Fill yourself up with the goodness. You are not curtains that are probably changed once a month and if in some bachelor’s house once a year, you are meant to evolve every day. Take the challenge to walk this path and become a better version of yourself. You deserve to live the best version of yourself. You deserve to live an authentic life. You deserve to live a good life."

As I sit down to pen my last article for the year, I am in awe of how life can turn out. I am open to accepting that not all my New Year's resolutions will be fulfilled and wise enough to realize there are things beyond my control and it is okay. I am human enough to understand that I am emotional and I will question things and feel hurt.  I am wise enough to know as one person would always tell me how my life is likened to a bus, some people will get off at some point and others will get in and such is life. There are some whose memory will ignite and charge you and others whose memory will be a thorn in the flesh. I know every day brings its lesson, learn from your mistakes, transitions are part of life. But most importantly every day is a gift, open it. 

Speaking of lessons, I have learned the importance of being human. A human being will show up and can show up in all forms depending on the circumstances but most importantly to be vulnerable and evolve. I have learned to close doors that should not have been opened in the first place. I have learned to be vulnerable enough to know where I have gone wrong, talk about my hurts and question things, unlearn, and set boundaries where there were none initially. I have learned that people will benefit from you if you are stuck in a specific version. It is also sad when people do not think that you should evolve. I think people forget we are human beings, we are vulnerable, we make mistakes, we wrong people, and we hurt and hurt others in the process of interaction but also because we evolve each and every day, we are allowed to make different choices. You are allowed to redefine things. As you discover yourself, you realize that you are allowed to change, you are not a stone. Being human is also you calling yourself out of your own BS and stop playing angel who comes down on Earth every morning. 

And most importantly, I have learned to live life in the present. I have learned how fragile life is to wait for a perfect moment. I have watched the sun rise and set, the stars and the moon lighting the path. I have cried as well as have laughed hard. I have loved hard and still loathed with the same intensity. I have danced in the rain. I have received and given love even with broken pieces because that was the present moment.  I have learned that I can rest and the world will still go on, I have honestly struggled with this aspect of my life. I have learned to be grateful for opportunities, seasons, and people.  But, I think one of the most amazing things I have learned is that dreams eventually come true and that the universe aligns everything at the right time.

I know we are busy winding down the year, vacations, going to the village to wonder how guys of ushago eat brown ugali and guys of town just understand pizza. I know you want to go break the home bank and see how much savings you have accumulated in this economy. I know we are busy going to our traditions where we pretend that we are a happy family for the pictures because mum ordered siblings to take pictures to show her Chama members. I know you are dreading to go home because of the usual question, 'Bado hujapata mtu?' I know you are already stressing about next year's fees and plans. But in all these, pause, take a deep breath, and connect with yourself. Appreciate the journey of becoming. No one said it would be easier, to look back and appreciate the person you have become and ask yourself, 'Did I live life? Did I hurt others as I put myself as the center of the universe where things revolved around me? Have I picked life lessons? Are there things I need to let go? Are there people that I should appreciate? Some of you need exorcism but therapy would be a good place to start. We have been so accustomed to a busy life that sitting down with ourselves becomes a struggle, but I challenge you to do that. We have been accustomed to the blame game but what do you need to work on?

Enjoy the remaining days of 2023 and we will meet as we crossover to 2024  to Shusha Nyavu with Shusho and well I pray that your 2024 begins with a positive bang but most importantly I hope you realize your worth and you will learn to give yourself the energy you give others. I hope you will allow yourself to breathe and fill yourself. I hope you allow the child in you to enjoy. I hope you are celebrated and not tolerated. You deserve the best. 

Thank you for keeping me company and reading my articles. I am grateful you read my reflections throughout the year. Y'all have made me grow and become a better version

A friend sent me a link to one 'Engage episode' where Caroline Mutoko was talking about how she ran out of time. It kept me awake thinking how busy we are chasing the bag, status, and achieving goals that we lose opportunities to be with family and friends and share memories or just enjoy the present. We are just about to end the year and the rush is to achieve the goals for 2023. I also saw things from a different lens.  I thought that it is not just about how busy we are but how we imagine there is permanency in things, we are immortal and the ego makes us think we have everything figured out. It is also the fact that you carry baggage and burdens that are too heavy and you are waiting to fix them to start living. A missed opportunity. 

Life is for the living. Enjoy it now. If there is something I have learned from a friend of mine who calls me Senje is living in the moment. I am still learning and this has allowed me to love people and give my all because I have now. I have learned to laugh and cry and let it out. I have expressed my love for people as well as the hurt they bring. I am not immortal, I am just a human being. 

But some of us are full of ourselves, selfish, and arrogant, and life revolves around us, we call the shots, we command the spaces and the followers follow. What we do not understand is a missed opportunity to reflect on our thoughts, actions, and words, and in the process, we lose people that were probably meant to be in our lives longer. We miss opportunities to heal and deal with the root causes of our behaviors. 

Another missed opportunity comes from the baggage that we carry, some baggage we carry comes from our ancestors, our uncles and aunts do not talk so we cannot talk to our cousins and other stories. You were not part of the feud but you have inherited it. A missed opportunity to become family. Sad, how family no longer embraces each other. 

I have learned that our experiences will shape who we become but in my journey of healing and living life, I have learned that we cannot heal everything all at once. There are days you think you are done with something until a trigger sets in and you realize that you still need to visit the skeletons one more time. So, imagine if you were to wait to deal with all of your issues and trauma to begin living life, laughing? What if took 30 years? Would that mean you start living when you die? It is okay to heal but as you heal let it not be a missed opportunity to you living and giving the world the gift of you. We are all broken in our ways. The good thing is when you are intentional in your healing, you do not bleed on others. 

The year is coming to an end. I hope you can sit down and reflect and do things differently. I hope you pause and see the gift of now. I hope you slow down and rest, make that call, plan for coffee, forgive, go back to therapy, laugh, love, and live. I hope you realize that even as you figure out your life, you have now, to make memories, and take pictures. But most importantly do not miss an opportunity to be in touch with yourself and become. Be gracious to yourself. 

There will never be a perfect time, go for that holiday, tell that crush you like them and if it works it will be happily ever after, if it doesn't work therapy will help you heal, enjoy that comedy. Do not wait for a perfect time, go laugh, dance in the rain, and play like a child, walk out of that door, and let go of the stereotypes of who people think you should be. Do not miss opportunities as you wait for the perfect time because that time will never come. Treasure those moments. 

I think life can be so busy that we forget to be still. I have previously written down on the pain of busyness and how it robs our joy. I have been away from this place because life got busy and well, we all experience writer’s block. I was to write something on finishing strong based on a milestone we achieved as an organization but I am here seated in nature. So I had to reframe and write another article, the power of flexibility comes here.

I know life is happening to a lot of people, if it is not the economy it is a relationship. If not all that, sometimes the skeleton in our closets finds ways to come to life. I can hear the birds chirping, I can see them fly and they look happy. They are flying gracefully. In this stillness, I have sat down with myself and have confirmed my life has been operating on overdrive, the speed at which my mind is racing can easily kill someone and I would stand before the judge and plead guilty. In this case, I am that person.

In this stillness, my soul has been crushed but also mended because I have come to finally understand that even in the busyness, we lose touch with ourselves but I have been humbled by the thought of people who love me. Interestingly, the point of your breaking can be the point of your healing. I am speaking to someone who feels like she is overwhelmed with so many whys and what-ifs. I am speaking to someone wondering when the doors will open because the uncle who said he knows people in the city went silent on you, and 10 years later, you still wait for his call. I am speaking to someone who has lost it all, another transitioning. I speak to someone whose dreams look a little bit far to reach and hanging by the thread. I speak to someone who is trying their best to let go and it is seemingly hard. It can get crazy and it is human to feel worried and anxious. It is human to have a mix of emotions. But, I hope you see how it can be overwhelming that the things that are stealing your joy are sometimes beyond your control. I hope you can learn to let go and let God.

I hope the day breaks for you, and as you wait for it, I hope you realize the small things that bring you joy, the birds, the children’s laughter, the breeze. I hope you have a support system because this goes a long way, there is no greater joy than doing life knowing someone has your back, that when you are in the trenches, they will stretch their hands for you to hold and sometimes they will call you out.

I hope you will be able to sit in the stillness and hear the voice that tells you it is okay that you feel what you feel but you can rise up, the voice that will tell you to stop worrying and give you directions. It is in the stillness of things that we get clarity. Eventually, everything falls into place. I do not know when but I know it does. You are special and God knew you. You are worthy of a life that is still. I hope the battles are won.