The Pain That Redirects

Photo by David Billings on Unsplash

Some several moons ago, I experienced one of the most traumatic moments in my life. I had just left my evening classes and was heading home. I had a neighbor with whom we would go home together. On this particular day, so many things had happened, I had gotten my first allowance from my then-volunteer work and I did as the custom of many is, 'To return thanks to the body' I visited sunshine boutique aka imported clothes sold in broad daylight by salesmen who shout to call people to business, IFYKYK. I passed by some lady's shop and brought some 3 in 1 makeup kit. I had abundance and then went to class. When we were going home, we alighted at a different place from the usual and that's where the demons started. Our gut feeling refused but is there anything you can tell energetic youth? Nothing. I may not narrate all that happened but they did that thing. We saw a matatu parked on the road, the driver asked for directions and we gladly did, and immediately the feeling of danger flooded and that's how we were attacked and put in the vehicle. These people drove us in circles and when they saw an oncoming vehicle they warned us to stay still or they would shoot us. What I do not understand is why they took the beautiful bras that I bought with my hard-earned money, there was a nice pink one that I was to mix and match. But why was I buying  a pink bra and Barbie girl wasn't trending? I hope the girlfriends enjoyed it. I don't understand why they slapped me and told me to follow my husband, my neighbor was given the power to be my husband and he was just a friend. Aah, these people took my 'Nyota ya ndoa' I am not happy. They only left me with 5 bob, 5 bob guys to buy painkillers. These men reminded me that I was a daughter of Kisii land because I talked when they began harassing me and looking for money in my boobs. They aborted the mission. I don't have the strength for the physical battles but the Lord was gracious enough to help me with the strength for verbal battles. Talk of compensation.

By the time they left the matatu, to traumatize other people, I was shaken. I felt undignified, unworthy, bitter, and scared, I processed things after the incident. I actually quit the class, I was afraid of the dark and cars parked in corners of the road. I still get the fear once in a while.  I was afraid of guns because we had guns held on our necks that night. 

Years later, I talk about the incident without pain or shivering. I realized that to some extent the incident redirected me in terms of career and calling. I went and changed my course from business management to social work. That night, I realized we would have been as good as dead but we got another chance to live. I forgot to tell you that when we were roughed up to get into the car, we found people lying down and I thought they were dead or so I thought. But when the armed robbers abandoned us, I saw them waking up in a rush. I remember though faintly thinking that the resurrection was happening and shouted 'Wamefufuka' Lord, I am your child but not now. Wait a little bit longer. 

Some things will happen in our lives to shake us up. The loved one that swept you off your feet taking you back to the floor and this time having inflicted pain. The job that was your source of livelihood fading away because of work politics. The energetic body is being beaten down. Life can be funny, sometimes when you think you have it all, it is suddenly gone. Some experiences will have you go on a date every night with your tears. You will begin questioning your worth and blame yourself for everything. I blamed myself for attending school, alighting at the wrong place, and shopping that day. I wasn't at fault. 

I don't know what pain you are going through. I don't know the struggle you go through to make others smile while you are crushing. I don't know what has been stripped from you. I don't know what labels have been placed on you. I don't understand your pain, but I hope you know that pain can redirect you. I hope you see the support you have in your circle. I honestly think if I wasn't with my friend, I would have been raped that night. Yes, I went through the experience and had to deal with the emotions, but I knew someone had my back. I felt the pain of losing the money, products, and the slap but this is one of the experiences that redirected me to my calling. It wasn't magic, I had to process everything and sit with the pain. I hope you find a tribe that supports you in the process. I hope you understand that experiences change and you are human you are meant to discover yourself and when the pain redirects you, you won't have to push yourself to reincarnate the former version of self but will appreciate who you are. I realized these people would never come back to me and apologize, they were not wired that way and sometimes that's life, those who take us through pain may never come to apologize but I had to do the inner work. And finally, people may say they just took your money, phone, and bras and not your life or incapacitate you, why would you cry over bras, phone, make-up, insignificant. They were not to me. They were symbols of my appreciation for my efforts. The phone was a gift.  As we support people as their pain redirects them never invalidate their feelings. Allow them to process everything their way. An abandoned child can make a great parent. A partner who has experienced the worst relationships can heal and become an amazing partner. I know you have cried, I can imagine how the season is painful but I hope the sun rises and even if it doesn't, I hope the moon lights your path. Love, hugs, and light.