Whose Voice Is In Your Head?

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

Dear readers, followers, and monitoring spirits, we are gathered here today so that I can confess. I want to make a confession about the voices I hear in my head, the voices I have stopped hearing, and the voices I struggle to let go of. You can call me psycho, but that's why psycho is in psychology, and I am a psychologist.

When I was in class four(when I say class four it feels like it was slightly after independence), we had an English teacher, Mr. Mwangi, and the lesson for the day was to construct sentences using the words, 'When I grow up, I want to become ............ I said I wanted to become white.' I still remember his face when he looked at me and said, 'You are beautiful just the way you are, and you do not need to change anything for anyone.' The hindsight of the story was the need to change my race to become a good person and gain privileges, and in my naivety, I voiced that out. 

My second confession. I have what I consider two big front teeth. One day my classmate in front of the class just told me, 'Zippy you have very big teeth. They can be used to harvest potatoes.' I remember your name, young man but, I will not mention you. Lol

My third confession is about a time I was called to offer facilitation services to an institution. Excited as this was the beginning of my journey as an independent consultant, I tagged along my bewitched beloved. He had not seen me in action, and after the session, I asked for feedback and he told me, 'You speak like a child, which adult do you think would want to listen to you.?' Weuh, even after all that, I had been given some transport by the institution, I still had to part with some money to take care of his transport expenses. Ladies and gentlemen, I have suffered. Witchcraft is real, chei. 

Other confessions are for another day.

What happened is that every scenario I have made a confession to the voice kept playing in my head. I could hear these voices in different instances, and they had an impact. With Mr. Mwangi's voice, I heard hope. I heard beautiful. I had contentment. I heard confidence. To date, there is nothing that can be said to make me change my skin color.  When people succumbed to the pressures of bleaching, I would look at myself in the mirror and say, 'Guuuuurrrrrllll you are beautiful.' I knew I was beautiful. He said it and I believed it. I still believe to date. 

I don't know why my classmate was mean, I laugh at this at the moment and use it as an example when I talk to people. But every time I wanted to smile, I imagined Nyandarua's cash crop. I told myself, 'Madam farmer, show us your tools of the trade and I struggled to smile. 

I heard that I spoke as a child and I went back home and cried. I had no esteem. I believe I never went for any consultancy for quite sometime. I suffered imposter syndrome. I was afraid. In the initial stages of the recovery process, I never asked for a consultancy fee because I felt I didn't have the voice to do that. I short-changed myself. I would gaslight my efforts. 

Apart from Mr. Mwangi's voice, I have silenced these other voices. Was it easy, hell no. Was it painful? Of course yes. I have heard to have conversations with myself in and out of therapy. I have had to fill my head with positive words. I have told myself that when the voices spoke, I was either young or in a place of vulnerability. At that time I didn't have the skills to defend myself. At that time I didn't have the skills to guard myself. But now as an adult, I am reframing myself. I am not just what I was told. Every day, I am becoming a better version of myself. 

Enough of my confession and let's get back to you, 'Whose voice is in your head?' Take a deep breathe. What are your current struggles?  Are you struggling with your skin color? Is it your weight? Is it your career? Is it your love language? Could it be that you were told how dark you were growing up? Could it be your parents kept telling you how you ate a lot and you were branded names, 'Kanono, Kapumpum' and others but you are currently extremely conscious of your weight? 

Are you struggling to celebrate your achievements? Could it be your father's voice that you keep hearing? When he told you how you loved pretending to be better than his other kids and told you just how much you were filled with pride. Are you struggling with perfectionism and get beaten down when things do not work out because your caregivers categorically shouted, 'In this house, there are no mistakes. Anything less than 100% is a failure.'

Were you told you were a gold digger because you preferred gifts? In your current relationship, you cannot say you love gifts and you are stuck with words of affirmation lest you are termed a gold digger? 

When people in authority say things we hold them true to our hearts and especially when we were young and we actually have no authority but these words sometimes become the barrier to our growth and self-actualisation but it is possible to silence them and reframe your thoughts. It is a journey but you can do it.

I know I am beautiful, I love smiling and showing my teeth, I love taking photos and I am an amazing facilitator working towards becoming a world-renowned facilitator.  I speak my voice. I use my voice very well and sometimes it is husky but it is still beautiful. I probably should be on the radio or so I have heard. I have intentionally worked on myself. Before you believe something, before you let go of your dreams, before you brand yourself, take a pause and ask yourself, 'Whose voice is in your head?' Question it and check its validity. You are worth every good thing.

Happy August