I imagine how many people walk around frustrated but have to show these happy faces. They post pictures on social media for dopamine but in reality, they are drowning in their sorrows. I believe being conditioned to be just that one thing in life is suffocating. I probably have mentioned that we are all talented in different ways and you can utilize everything in you. I like how the Late Myles Munroe would emphasize how every human should die empty. I think what is more frustrating is living a stuck-up life because you believe you must become what you wished for when younger without any alterations. I am not saying that you cannot become what you aspire but it is essential that you allow yourself to evolve.

I recently bumped into my old journal and vision board. I recognized my handwriting but weuh the things that I wanted to achieve were from a point of woundedness and external evaluation. I was not doing things for me. That time, I had written down what I wanted in my future mpermanent and I honestly think that man was non-existent or probably the Lord would have created a new bale just for me. I admit I would have been the toxic person in that relationship. I wanted to do some projects and looking back, and becoming more self-aware I did not have the grace or the patience to do so. Imagine if I continued and said this was a must-do. I would have been more crushed and hurt other people along the way.

When I became intentional about working on myself, I evolved. I became a better version of myself. I did not water down the experiences I had gone through, both the beautiful and ugly because they shaped who I am and I picked the lessons. I began to realize what I desired from a point of healing. I began letting go of this version that I thought I should keep that was not serving me right. I began looking beyond the make-up. I learned that I keep changing, experiences will change me and I should not expect to be the same person I was yesterday.

I think this came with some sense of relief because self-awareness sometimes is not funny. You get to meet with all the versions of yourself. Sometimes it can be something else and we tend to go back to the familiar because that is what we know and we are afraid of the new version. We tend to doubt ourselves because we imagine we should be stuck in specific ways. This could be one of the reasons you cannot leave your toxic job because the voice of your mother keeps ringing in your mind of how the uncle helped you find that job and leaving would equate you as an ingrate. You imagine that you must become a doctor because everyone in your family is yet you are gifted in the community. You stick in abusive marriages because in your life the title Mrs. is more important than life itself or you had told yourself that when you grew up you had to get married.

However, self-awareness is the beginning of freedom, the beginning of letting go of the different burdens you carry, the beginning of becoming. I want you to know that you worked with what you thought was best at that moment. But I also want you to know that you do not have to crucify yourself especially when you begin understanding yourself better, you understand the need to forgive yourself and make better choices. I want you to know at any point you can change your life’s path. And finally, I want you to know change is inevitable, when it does, do not fight to go back to the old familiar version. Be courageous enough to live life. You made some choices because that was the trending thing, now you can make choices from a point of self-awareness and healing. It is time for self-evaluation. Sometimes the things we want to do and become are not necessarily bad but they are not meant for us. It is okay to restart, reprogram, and refresh.  It is okay to become who you should be now. 

Class teacher: What would you want to become when you grow up?

Njoroge: I would want to become a millionaire, sir

Class Teacher: And you, Nduta?

Nduta: I will become a millionaire's wife 

Currently, Nduta is waiting for Njoroge to become a millionaire, frustrated that he did not keep his word

We were told to think about the future. We have vision boards with details of what we want to achieve. Organizations have a mission, vision, and strategic plan. If you have read leadership and self-help books, you will also get instances where you are requested to prepare a plan for your life. A statement I honestly dislike has been repeated to the young champs, ‘You are the leaders of tomorrow.’

I am not against being future-oriented, I am a planner. I want to know where things are heading. I want to know or have a clear picture of the whole staircase. Focusing on the future will help you in making plans and having a clear direction. It will help you understand the goal and when people alight from your path, the focus is still maintained.

We want to get that big house, ‘perfect relationship’, big jobs, and accolades. Every day, the focus is on the price but there is a catch. When the future begins to rob you of your peace and joy, you need to take a chill pill and pause. How many times have you lived in fear, worry, and anxiety of the future, yet we do not know what the future holds?

I know you want to get that large piece of land, but are you currently learning to live in the moment, that you can afford a bed-sitter where your hands can reach the kitchen while you are still lying in bed? I know you want to go to the Maldives for your birthday but are you living in the moment and enjoying screaming while ziplining or just a simple picnic? I know you want a perfect relationship probably with your TDH, Walk down the aisle next to the beach, but are you currently enjoying receiving the love from your person? Are you enjoying how he stares at you and loves you or will you begin loving him when you get married? I know you want perfectly well-behaved children who will salute elders and call them sirs and ma’am but are enjoying them making baby steps.

The future has robbed the joy of people. It is mainly, ‘When I get this, I will be happy.’ ‘When I begin making this kind of money, I will begin enjoying life.’ Let me burst the bubble. You have now, this moment. Let go of the illusion of the future. You have this moment, live it. The future will come with its blessings. So let go of pushing away your joy, let go of perfection. Your babies won’t be five forever, they will grow old, chat their path and they will think you are old and do not understand their kind of vibe. They will want to have conversations with their kind. Yet, you are here waiting for the perfect moment to create memories, and now is.

Let go of the idea of a perfect relationship when you have everything figured out and enjoy the present, the memories, and the moments shared now. Enjoy the love now. What if you are waiting for the jubilee anniversary of marriage to be happy and life happens?

The best time to live is now. The future is beyond our control. You can make better choices now. You can begin your healing journey now and stop waiting for karma to work on the person that hurt you first. You have now. Take yourself out for coffee and stop waiting for your future man to take you. Who knows if you take yourself for coffee at Coffee 254, he may find you there, after all, it is #loveatfirstsip. Well, yet to find out if it is love for the coffee or love for the person(s).

Plan for the future and live in the moment. Laugh now because in the future you will be toothless, dance now and because you do not take supplements soon the bones will refuse to move. Dance in the rain now before you start saying pneumonia has been sent to finish you. Live now because when you age, the memories will keep you alive. Live now because now is all you got. Do what you need to do now, take up new challenges, and get out of your comfort zone. Now is a perfect gift. 

Some several moons ago, I experienced one of the most traumatic moments in my life. I had just left my evening classes and was heading home. I had a neighbor with whom we would go home together. On this particular day, so many things had happened, I had gotten my first allowance from my then-volunteer work and I did as the custom of many is, 'To return thanks to the body' I visited sunshine boutique aka imported clothes sold in broad daylight by salesmen who shout to call people to business, IFYKYK. I passed by some lady's shop and brought some 3 in 1 makeup kit. I had abundance and then went to class. When we were going home, we alighted at a different place from the usual and that's where the demons started. Our gut feeling refused but is there anything you can tell energetic youth? Nothing. I may not narrate all that happened but they did that thing. We saw a matatu parked on the road, the driver asked for directions and we gladly did, and immediately the feeling of danger flooded and that's how we were attacked and put in the vehicle. These people drove us in circles and when they saw an oncoming vehicle they warned us to stay still or they would shoot us. What I do not understand is why they took the beautiful bras that I bought with my hard-earned money, there was a nice pink one that I was to mix and match. But why was I buying  a pink bra and Barbie girl wasn't trending? I hope the girlfriends enjoyed it. I don't understand why they slapped me and told me to follow my husband, my neighbor was given the power to be my husband and he was just a friend. Aah, these people took my 'Nyota ya ndoa' I am not happy. They only left me with 5 bob, 5 bob guys to buy painkillers. These men reminded me that I was a daughter of Kisii land because I talked when they began harassing me and looking for money in my boobs. They aborted the mission. I don't have the strength for the physical battles but the Lord was gracious enough to help me with the strength for verbal battles. Talk of compensation.

By the time they left the matatu, to traumatize other people, I was shaken. I felt undignified, unworthy, bitter, and scared, I processed things after the incident. I actually quit the class, I was afraid of the dark and cars parked in corners of the road. I still get the fear once in a while.  I was afraid of guns because we had guns held on our necks that night. 

Years later, I talk about the incident without pain or shivering. I realized that to some extent the incident redirected me in terms of career and calling. I went and changed my course from business management to social work. That night, I realized we would have been as good as dead but we got another chance to live. I forgot to tell you that when we were roughed up to get into the car, we found people lying down and I thought they were dead or so I thought. But when the armed robbers abandoned us, I saw them waking up in a rush. I remember though faintly thinking that the resurrection was happening and shouted 'Wamefufuka' Lord, I am your child but not now. Wait a little bit longer. 

Some things will happen in our lives to shake us up. The loved one that swept you off your feet taking you back to the floor and this time having inflicted pain. The job that was your source of livelihood fading away because of work politics. The energetic body is being beaten down. Life can be funny, sometimes when you think you have it all, it is suddenly gone. Some experiences will have you go on a date every night with your tears. You will begin questioning your worth and blame yourself for everything. I blamed myself for attending school, alighting at the wrong place, and shopping that day. I wasn't at fault. 

I don't know what pain you are going through. I don't know the struggle you go through to make others smile while you are crushing. I don't know what has been stripped from you. I don't know what labels have been placed on you. I don't understand your pain, but I hope you know that pain can redirect you. I hope you see the support you have in your circle. I honestly think if I wasn't with my friend, I would have been raped that night. Yes, I went through the experience and had to deal with the emotions, but I knew someone had my back. I felt the pain of losing the money, products, and the slap but this is one of the experiences that redirected me to my calling. It wasn't magic, I had to process everything and sit with the pain. I hope you find a tribe that supports you in the process. I hope you understand that experiences change and you are human you are meant to discover yourself and when the pain redirects you, you won't have to push yourself to reincarnate the former version of self but will appreciate who you are. I realized these people would never come back to me and apologize, they were not wired that way and sometimes that's life, those who take us through pain may never come to apologize but I had to do the inner work. And finally, people may say they just took your money, phone, and bras and not your life or incapacitate you, why would you cry over bras, phone, make-up, insignificant. They were not to me. They were symbols of my appreciation for my efforts. The phone was a gift.  As we support people as their pain redirects them never invalidate their feelings. Allow them to process everything their way. An abandoned child can make a great parent. A partner who has experienced the worst relationships can heal and become an amazing partner. I know you have cried, I can imagine how the season is painful but I hope the sun rises and even if it doesn't, I hope the moon lights your path. Love, hugs, and light. 

If you grew up in a traditional African setting, especially in the 90s and early 2000s there was a culture that was passed down. It could have been due to a scarcity of resources. There was one outfit dubbed, 'The Sunday Best Dress' that would only be worn on special occasions. When one was in their Sunday Best, the behavior changed, and the walking style was also different. If you were found wearing this outfit on a different day, it would have been war, 'Munaona sasa mlifika, nguo ya kanisa mnavaa kila mahali.' (You think you have made it and can wear Sunday best everywhere)You would go back home and immediately restore to factory settings. 

Then there was this other culture. Our mums had so many cups in what we called cupboards back then. They would qualify as wholesalers and distributors. However, the cups that were frequently used in the house, especially the metal ones would be recycled until they got dents and if they had a voice, they would complain about how they were being used just like we are being used by politicians. 

The other cups were set aside for religious leaders, visitors, and suppliers of neighborhood grapevine. In most homes, the mums would shout, 'Ikobe cia atugateri ne cioke'  (Bring the Bishops' cups) pardon my horrible Kikuyu. They would be served in high-quality luminarc glasses, and the children of the house would be served in plastic cups that needed to be buried.

Most times, their meals would be different. The chicken would be prepared. If your mum was woke she would give you pieces before serving, but most times, the visitors would eat first. If you had the privilege of being present when they were eating and had a gift in staring deep into the eyes, you would survive because the visitor would feel uncomfortable and say, 'Kijana have you eaten, take this piece we eat together.' You would take that piece smiling wickedly, and eat peacefully before the war after they leave.

Fast forward to the current date as an adult. How many 'clothes' have you considered Sunday best that you cannot wear until a specific function. How many things have you put on hold until a specific special time? How many things have you shelved away for other people to come to enjoy on your behalf? 

The truth is most of us have abandoned ourselves in our adulthood. We will not take ourselves for coffee dates because we are not going with other people and there is no special occasion. You are waiting for this perfect man to come and sweep you over so that you can cook delicious meals and use the plates that you have bought with your own money to win him over. The same plates that you cannot use on yourself. You are willing to sacrifice your happiness to make other people happy. 

You will not dress up, because you are waiting for a perfect occasion. Which one? Some of you can't even faint in peace because the tattered clothes inside will be an embarrassment. You were waiting for the perfect weather to wear the sunny dress but it is freaking cold at the moment. 

I hope you let go of the idea of a perfect moment and embrace the present moment. I hope you let go of the idea that other people deserve better than you and you have to deal with crumbs. You are used to crumbs such that what you only accept is just a bare minimum, yet you deserve more. People will not show up at their best because they know that crumbs are what you accept, they can text you at the beginning of the month and go silent on you because they are busy. But you will get excited because they wished you new month's good tidings and wait for the next month. 

I hope you have the guts to burn the plastic cups and enjoy life from a finer place. You deserve the best. I am not saying don't be present for other people but truthfully speaking you cannot pour from an empty cup. I hope you have the guts to let go of the crumbs offered to you and wear your crown elegantly like the queen or king you are because you deserve better. You deserve to love on you. When you were a child you did not have the power to voice out, now as an adult you have the power, skills, and resources to do so. 

In one of Ronan Keating's songs he sings, 'Tell that someone that you love just what you're thinking of, if tomorrow never comes.' Well, I will just say, enjoy the present because we are not sure about tomorrow. Love yourself and allow yourself to be loved and receive love. Reclaim yourself, and your worth, and don't settle for less. Why settle for being called Wa Ng'ania when you can be called sunshine? 

Most of us grew up being told that being strong was the way to go and we loved the statement. We instantly beamed with joy. Something happened and you were told you were strong to handle it. Strength equated to power. I have seen people stay in abusive relationships because of 'strong' What we define as a strong person in our society is not what is defined in the dictionary. Our definition of strong is someone who endures the pain, and suffering and is stuck in something because we think we are converters and can turn people around. 

Being strong in society means sticking in an abusive and toxic relationship because the parents and relatives showed you the patterns. Being strong means showing up even when we cannot show up for ourselves, neglecting ourselves to make others happy. Being strong means neglecting and suppressing your emotions hence some certain statement, 'You always have life figured out.' 'You hold a high position and I do not think you can have any problems. You have your cars, houses, a fat bank account, and good family pictures. What more do you need, strong person?' You are considered strong and can never get in touch with your vulnerability. Are you really strong or is it a misguided version of who you should be? 

We live in a labeling world, and superlatives are the order of the day, and we never bother to seek what is behind the scene. If I may use myself as an example. I am a mum, a psychologist  and founder of an organization and I get offers for consultancies. When I describe myself as an Executive Director, and all the other titles I hold, I get the looks and some verbalizing of how strong I am and a number expressing they want my life. When I express my emotions or experiences that break me, you get the bombastic eye, 'With everything, and how strong you are, how do you go through something like that?' In my mind, I wonder and know if all the titles and achievements were stripped off, I am still a human being with emotions. I am not a robot. 

In our current society 'being strong' is not a compliment. It is a statement to subject you to more pain and pressure. It is a burden. A strong person is burdened with unrealistic expectations to be self-sufficient and unmoved by challenges. A strong person carries the burden of not showing their weakness and most times lack authenticity. A strong person has self-imposed pressure to be strong at the expense of their well-being because they have to show up for others and have an image to protect. A strong woman will break her back as they perfect the art of being a good wife and cannot get a DM to help with house chores. A strong man will perfect the art of masking because they cannot show emotions. 

Before you call someone strong, understand they are humans with emotions, feelings, and vulnerabilities. When you understand this, you will allow people to be people. Are you strong because they told you, you had everything figured out and you don't cry? Is this just a superlative? Allow yourself to become human and get in touch with your humanity.